Janelle Nicole’s first Birthday was on January 1, 2017. Talk about a Double Whammy. I rejoice because I am celebrating a New Year but think about the baby I don’t have with me to celebrate. My husband and I also celebrated our daughter’s first birthday. It was a whirlwind of emotions. A celebration yet so bittersweet at the same time. Its just one of the many paradoxes of motherhood of a baby that you don’t hold in your arms. I have heard time heals all wounds, but I think New Years day will always be a trigger for me. It will serve as a constant reminder of what is and what should have been. It will remind me of the many possibilities and opportunities and the new beginnings that the new year bring. But it will also serve as a reminder of another birthday with no birthday party. Another birthday candle but no baby to blow it out. Another daydream about what she would be like and look like at this age.I think I will always wonder and imagine what could have been.
I find out the day before I’m discharged from the hospital that I had developed severe and sudden preeclampsia. For those who don’t know what preeclampsia is please click the link and research for yourself how severe it is for both mom and baby. Preeclampsia FAQ
The Preeclampsia caused me to have a placental abruption which is where my placenta detached from the uterus which deprived my daughter of the oxygen she needed. Because of the oxygen deprivation, she suffered immense brain damage. The day after I got to my daughter’s hospital, my husband and I were accepted into the Ronald McDonald House Charities. RMHC is a charity for the families of children in the hospital. The house is located on the campus of the hospital where your child is, this makes hospital visits easy and convenient for families. We stayed there for the entire month our daughter was in the NICU before she passed away. Every day we went to visit our baby girl hoping and praying that her ekg scan would show that the brain damage had been reversed and that we would be able to take her home. As days turned to weeks, it got hard seeing all she had to go through constant nurses and tests and all the edema(swelling) hat she had, due to her lack of movement.
January 31st 2016
The morning the nurse called us and told us to rush over to the hospital to hold her because her vitals had crashed and she was dying. we threw on our slippers and ran over to the hospital. They were pumping her oxygen through a hand pump oxygen bag , all the tubes were off of her and they handed her to me to hold as she died in my arms. They closed the door and allowed us alone time with her. My husband then began making the calls and texts to let everyone know she was gone. I sat there in shock that this was my life. I stared out the window and was numb, I felt nothing, I just sat there in silence.
Then the tears started to flow…..and flow….and flow… I couldn’t stop them, I cried so much I felt like my body had no more water inside of it. I was confused, and angry and heartbroken. Every part of my body hurt.
My dad came shortly after, then our family friends The Penny’s , a little while after them my uncle , Two aunts and my cousin came.
For More information about The Ronald McDonald House Charities please Visit this website Ronald McDonald House Charities