Happy New Years and Happy First Birthday.

 

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Janelle Nicole’s first Birthday was on January 1, 2017. Talk about a Double Whammy. I rejoice because I am celebrating a New Year but think about the baby I don’t have with me to celebrate. My husband and I  also celebrated our daughter’s first birthday. It was a whirlwind of emotions. A celebration yet so bittersweet at the same time. Its just one of the many paradoxes of motherhood of a baby that you don’t hold in your arms. I have heard time heals all wounds, but I think New Years day will always be a trigger for me. It will serve as a constant reminder of what is and what should have been. It will remind me of the many possibilities and opportunities and the new beginnings that the new year bring. But it will also serve as a reminder of another birthday with no birthday party. Another birthday candle but no baby to blow it out. Another  daydream about what she would be like and look like at this age.I think I  will always wonder and imagine what could have been.

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The Diagnosis/ Our Month in the Ronald McDonald House.

I find out the day before I’m discharged from the hospital that I had developed severe and sudden preeclampsia. For those who don’t know what preeclampsia is please click the link and research for yourself how severe it is for both mom and baby.  Preeclampsia FAQ

The Preeclampsia caused me to have a placental abruption which is where my placenta detached from the uterus which deprived my daughter of the oxygen she needed.  Because of the oxygen deprivation,  she suffered immense brain damage. The day after I got to my  daughter’s hospital,  my husband and I were accepted into the Ronald McDonald House Charities. RMHC is a charity for the families of children in the hospital. The house is located on the campus of the hospital where your child is, this makes hospital visits easy and convenient for families. We stayed  there for the entire month our daughter was in the NICU before she passed away. Every day we went to visit our baby girl hoping and praying that her ekg scan would show that the brain damage had been reversed and that we would be able to take her home. As days turned to weeks, it got hard seeing all she had to go through constant nurses and tests and all the edema(swelling) hat she had, due to her lack of movement.

January 31st 2016

The morning the nurse called us and told us to rush over to the hospital to hold her because her vitals had crashed and she was dying. we threw on our slippers and ran over to the hospital.  They were pumping her oxygen through a hand pump oxygen bag , all the tubes were off of her and they handed her to me to hold as she died in my arms. They closed the door and allowed us alone time with her. My husband then began making the calls and texts to let everyone know she was gone. I sat there in shock that this was my life. I stared out the window and was numb, I felt nothing, I just sat there in silence.

Then the tears started to flow…..and flow….and flow… I couldn’t stop them, I cried so much I felt like my body had no more water inside of it. I was confused, and angry and heartbroken. Every part of my body hurt.

My dad came shortly after, then our family friends The Penny’s , a little while after them my uncle , Two aunts and my cousin came.

 

For More information about The Ronald McDonald House Charities please Visit this website Ronald McDonald House Charities

My journey to becoming an angel mom part 3

I get to the operating room and I see the operating table in the middle of the room my heart is racing and at this moment I begin to cry hysterically because I know I’m about to undergo a C-section, my husband isn’t allowed in the operating room so its me , my Dr. and some nurses in this cold room. They push my bed over to the operating table and ask me to get to the side of the bed and  tell me to try my best to move myself over as they assist picking me up to move me to the table. At this point I’m looking up at a big round light and can see the nurses and Dr. standing over me with their surgical mask on.  One nurse is trying to calm me down when I hear them say thay are about to put a  catheter in, she puts the oxygen mask on my face and tells me to try to get some oxygen for my baby. She tells me to hold her hand as another nurse inserts the catheter I’m crying hysterically at this point because it is becoming apparent I’m having surgery at any minute.

After the catheter  is in they strap both of my arms to the sides of the table and the nurse that held me hand says ” look at me, we are going to do everything we can to get your baby out safe and make sure you’re safe okay” I need you to breathe and trust us”  I nod my head as tears continue to fall down my eyes and continue breathing in through the oxygen mask on my face she then  says ” I’m going to have to cut your shirt ok ?” At this point the medicine was starting to take effect because my toes went numb, I could feel the medicine working its way towards my head as weird as that sounds. It started in my feet then it went up to my legs and kept rising. They then poured a brown cold liquid over my stomach I just remember it being cold and my body started shivering like someone just threw some ice-cold water on me. It tingled a lot too. I could feel myself about to pass out because as the medicine continued to take over my body for like 3 seconds I felt like I was suffocating last  thing ” I remember saying was “No, please ,No” because I didn’t want to go under surgery then darkness…….

Continue reading “My journey to becoming an angel mom part 3”

My Journey to becoming an Angel Mom Part 2

The cramping continued I called my Dr. it was after hours at this point so I got connected to the nurses line, I explained what was going on and they said they would have the Dr. call me back. I went to lay down and the cramping continued, After laying down for 5 mins I felt we should go to hospital, my husband and I made the drive to my delivering hospital which was about a 25 minute drive away. At this point I’m TERRIFIED!!!!

I’m laying in the backseat of my car rubbing my belly, talking to my baby while tears are running down my face, I’m praying asking God to please protect my baby because I’m getting more and more nervous as the minutes pass.We get to the hospital my husband pulls up and grabs a wheelchair and wheels me inside to the E.R he runs out and parks the car the receptionist in the front asks me whats wrong, I tell her I’m 34 weeks pregnant and I’m experiencing some cramping in my lower belly she asks me who my Dr. was I tell her and they wheel me back to a room The tell me to use the bathroom and hand me a wipe so I can wipe myself so they can do a vaginal exam when I go to use the bathroom and wipe myself, there was a light pink discharge, at this point my husband had joined us in the room, so I tell him to tell the nurse that there is a light pink discharge when I wipe, they help me from the bathroom and lay me on the bed and at this point there are about 3 nurses in the room, one starts a vaginal exam while another puts straps on my belly to monitor my baby girl’s heartbeat.

They see at this point that my daughter’s heart tone is very low, they tell me to switch to my side to see if I get in another position would they be able to get a better read on her heart tone. As they ask me to do this It scares me more because it is becoming apparent to me that something is terribly wrong that they are not sharing with me. They put on oxygen mask on my face and tell me to get on all fours to see if once again changing position would allow them to get a strong heat tone from my baby that they were not getting at this point. The tears start running again because I’m fearing my baby girl may be dying inside of me, they kept saying her heart tone was low and they were hoping having me change positions would cause her heart tone to become stronger. In the midst of them attempting to get my daughter heart tone, they were also taking my blood pressure and  they saw that it was dangerously high, so high they feared I could have a stroke. After changing position for the second time and still getting a low heart read for my daughter they tell me I will have to have an emergency C section, they wheel me to the operating room leaving my husband in the room I just left. As they wheel me down the hallway on the hosital bed all that kept running through my mind was “what’s going on ?? I can’t believe this is happening to me  right now” ” God please look over me and my baby” I get to the operating room and see …….

My Journey To becoming an Angel Mom

” Just stay here and relax I don’t want you walking up all those steps”

My husband’s words to me January 1st 2016 the day that would forever change the course of my life, he had just gotten tickets to the University of Michigan vs Florida Gators game. He got tickets for two but decided to take his friend instead of me due to the excessive swelling I had in my legs and feet at this time.

I was 34 weeks pregnant with our first child a baby girl we would name Janelle- Nicole Amara , after what was considered a “normal” pregnancy I would encounter a whirlwind in the 10 hours that followed my husbands words. I slept , watched some TV and soaked my feet in Epsom salt as I was instructed to do by my doctor for my swelling.

My husband returned home around 6 we went to the store and picked up diapers,  two outfits and some hair bows and headbands as we were anticipating our baby girls arrival in what seemed to be a very fast approaching due date. We grabbed some food and returned home , we got ready to watch a movie, when I started having some lower abdomen cramping something felt weird about these cramps I called my doctor and went back in the room to sit down, the cramps continued what happened next began my journey to becoming an angel mom ………