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Missing You

I always think about what Janelle would have been doing at different milestones. As excited as I am to see Josiah crawl, and pull up to stand and say his first words dada and baba. More times often than not tears roll down my face as I think about what would she have been like at this age how would she have been at 7 months or even at 2 years 3 months old which is how old she would be now. I miss you so much baby girl and I wish you were here.

 

 

 

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Janelle’s 2nd Birthday in Heaven

 


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Another birthday has come. My Angel is two years old today. It seems like it was  just yesterday I was being wheeled into that delivery room to have an emergency c-section when they told me that your heart tones were low when I got to the hospital. Now I have gone two years without you in my arms, you will always be in my heart now and forever. You are apart of many conversations and we tell your little brother all about you. We will continue to because you will forever be apart of this family, you will forever be my first born,  my first daughter and the one who made me a mommy, not even your death will change that. I am so happy for that fact

I smile because you will forever hold that place in my life and heart.

I love you know and forever. My Angel forever in my heart

Happy birthday in heaven

Love Mommy

Christmas 2017

Our first Christmas with Josiah was great. We went To North Carolina to visit my family . It was great being around all my family and experiencing all the love and happiness around me. As expected Everyone wanted to hold Josiah 😄 he was definitely an arm baby the entire week we were there. Josiah got some gifts mostly clothes and some

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learning toys. Mommy got some Victoria’s Secret perfume , makeup, gift cards, a purse,  a watch  and a back massager 🤗💆 This was definitely the best Christmas I have had in a VERY LONG TIME.

 

 

 

Update-It’s been too long

It’s been 7 months since I posted here. 😭 Way too long. Please forgive me. Life has been coming fast lately.

SOOOOOO………

First things first my rainbow baby was born August 8, 2017 he weighed 7lbs 1 oz and 20 and was inches long.

I delivered him via scheduled c-section at 39 weeks 2 days. His name is Josiah-Christopher Alexander Williams (I’ll share in a later post the inspiration behind his name😇)

He has been everything we could ask for. Thank you God for bringing our rainbow baby 🌈🌈 here healthy earthside.

 

After the rain look for the rainbow 🌈🌈🌈

imageThis pic was taken at my sister Tiana’s college graduation. Before you ask yes that is me in the burgundy dress in all my rainbow baby  glow glory.  I don’t know why I’m announcing it now . My hands are shaking as I write this but I’m currently 30 weeks 4 days pregnant with my 🌈🌈 baby. I’m having a baby boy who’s name will be Josiah. This is the most terrifying, nerve wrecking pregnancy. It’s my second pregnancy yet my first pregnancy after losing Janelle – Nicole. Ahhhhhh!!!! My emotions are all over the place. Please send me lots of prayers and support.

P.s I love this pic I mean just look at those smiles🙆🏽💁🏾😄

Happy New Years and Happy First Birthday.

 

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Janelle Nicole’s first Birthday was on January 1, 2017. Talk about a Double Whammy. I rejoice because I am celebrating a New Year but think about the baby I don’t have with me to celebrate. My husband and I  also celebrated our daughter’s first birthday. It was a whirlwind of emotions. A celebration yet so bittersweet at the same time. Its just one of the many paradoxes of motherhood of a baby that you don’t hold in your arms. I have heard time heals all wounds, but I think New Years day will always be a trigger for me. It will serve as a constant reminder of what is and what should have been. It will remind me of the many possibilities and opportunities and the new beginnings that the new year bring. But it will also serve as a reminder of another birthday with no birthday party. Another birthday candle but no baby to blow it out. Another  daydream about what she would be like and look like at this age.I think I  will always wonder and imagine what could have been.

The Diagnosis/ Our Month in the Ronald McDonald House.

I find out the day before I’m discharged from the hospital that I had developed severe and sudden preeclampsia. For those who don’t know what preeclampsia is please click the link and research for yourself how severe it is for both mom and baby.  Preeclampsia FAQ

The Preeclampsia caused me to have a placental abruption which is where my placenta detached from the uterus which deprived my daughter of the oxygen she needed.  Because of the oxygen deprivation,  she suffered immense brain damage. The day after I got to my  daughter’s hospital,  my husband and I were accepted into the Ronald McDonald House Charities. RMHC is a charity for the families of children in the hospital. The house is located on the campus of the hospital where your child is, this makes hospital visits easy and convenient for families. We stayed  there for the entire month our daughter was in the NICU before she passed away. Every day we went to visit our baby girl hoping and praying that her ekg scan would show that the brain damage had been reversed and that we would be able to take her home. As days turned to weeks, it got hard seeing all she had to go through constant nurses and tests and all the edema(swelling) hat she had, due to her lack of movement.

January 31st 2016

The morning the nurse called us and told us to rush over to the hospital to hold her because her vitals had crashed and she was dying. we threw on our slippers and ran over to the hospital.  They were pumping her oxygen through a hand pump oxygen bag , all the tubes were off of her and they handed her to me to hold as she died in my arms. They closed the door and allowed us alone time with her. My husband then began making the calls and texts to let everyone know she was gone. I sat there in shock that this was my life. I stared out the window and was numb, I felt nothing, I just sat there in silence.

Then the tears started to flow…..and flow….and flow… I couldn’t stop them, I cried so much I felt like my body had no more water inside of it. I was confused, and angry and heartbroken. Every part of my body hurt.

My dad came shortly after, then our family friends The Penny’s , a little while after them my uncle , Two aunts and my cousin came.

 

For More information about The Ronald McDonald House Charities please Visit this website Ronald McDonald House Charities