Janelle Nicole’s first Birthday was on January 1, 2017. Talk about a Double Whammy. I rejoice because I am celebrating a New Year but think about the baby I don’t have with me to celebrate. My husband and I also celebrated our daughter’s first birthday. It was a whirlwind of emotions. A celebration yet so bittersweet at the same time. Its just one of the many paradoxes of motherhood of a baby that you don’t hold in your arms. I have heard time heals all wounds, but I think New Years day will always be a trigger for me. It will serve as a constant reminder of what is and what should have been. It will remind me of the many possibilities and opportunities and the new beginnings that the new year bring. But it will also serve as a reminder of another birthday with no birthday party. Another birthday candle but no baby to blow it out. Another daydream about what she would be like and look like at this age.I think I will always wonder and imagine what could have been.